Sarah April 13th, 2008

I’m convinced the world is going to end soon. I don’t necessarily think J.C. is going to ride down on his magical unicorn to transfer all the good Christian boys and girls away to the enchanted forest of heaven, but sooner or later the world will end and I say hope sooner rather than later. The signs are everywhere, folks, and if your eyes aren’t open, then you’re probably just another part of the problem. Fuck, just in the past week I’ve probably seen millions of signs that all point to the fact that this whole stinking world is quickly on its way to imaginary hell-land.

The other day I was watching religious informercials as I usually do, hoping that I can find something as amazing as Joseph Prince, but failing miserably. The people on the commercial were selling little handkerchiefs (or Catholic cum rags, as I like to call them), that they called “prayer cloths” or some shit like that. Now, I’ve seen this commercial several times before over the past year which could only mean that they have been successful in selling these things. People are actually going to the phones desperately hoping that a tissue they bought from a tv evangelist is going to be blessed with magical healing powers. This world is going down the tubes, FAST! Everyone knows that the only thing that works to heal is a tampon doused in holy water, which I sell for the low, low price of 27.99. Imagine that, 27.99, now is that really a price too high to pay for instant tampon healing powers? I think not. Email me folks, I’ll get it right out to you.

I also saw something so insane that I really need to show it to you. You can watch the whole thing by clicking on “watch the latest video” on this page. If your eyes refuse to stop bleeding over this video, let me just tell you what it is about. It is a “charity” where you can donate money to Ethiopian Jews in order for them to be sent back to “the holy land”. “Black jews (deep breath) whose return to Isreal is prophesied in the bible, and even linked with the redemption of the entire world…” Now, I don’t have any problem with charities that want to help the poor or abused, or mistreated, but the idea behind this is absolutely absurd to me. They plan on sending extremely poor people to a place they’ve never been, where they have nothing, give them a couple donations, and believe they are better off because they returned to the land that was given to them by their lord and saviour, the almighty God above. Now, unless God plans on escorting them personally and giving them all some houses and food and jobs that will last longer than the span of a camera crew’s visit, I would have to say that this is a pretty poor plan (alliteration much?). And honestly, I’m not even sure that having God escort them is a good idea, the last time he tried that shit the Jews spent forty years in the fucking desert! The worst part is that I imagine hoards of Christians running to the phones to donate their specially assigned “good deed for the day” money so they can feel better about themselves before being tucked in for the night. By the way, if you want to sponsor an Ethiopian Jew, you can do so by clicking on this nifty thing called a “hyperlink”. Yes, the world is surely ending.

In other terrible, world-ending news, it is now okay to sell evil death masks on television. Yes, the same television that your tiny, precious, pure, little kiddies are watching, now makes it easier than ever to buy the most horrifying thing I have ever seen on someone’s face since that time I went on that double date with Krank and that chick from the personals that not only tones, but also electrocutes the shit out of you. If this thing isn’t a sign that the world is going to end, I don’t know what is. Imagine, sooner or later, millions of evangelistic priesty-people wearing those things because they need to look good for the tele as they sell you Jews that need to go to Isreal. It is enough to scare the be-Jesus out of you!

I hate it all! Our world sucks, and is surely ending, but not fast enough for me! The people, the salesmen, the priests and pedophiles, the partridges in pear trees; all signs of the garbage we have slowly built up around ourselves. Ok, I think I ranted enough to fill up the space to the right of the movie, good…

I will close with one last sentiment, though. The day that Jawnie Boy finally sends his rap rebuttal this way, Hell will surely freeze over and millions of bleeding angels will ski down from the heavens to have snow ball fights with all the good little obedient children of this sad, lonely world.

Amen.

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Sarah April 7th, 2008

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Sarah April 2nd, 2008

So, I don’t know if you all know this or not, but besides this amazing, heart warming website, I actually write REAL THINGS! YEAH, it is a tough life I live… what with writing sentences that begin with three words that all start with the letter “W” all day and all. I didn’t even try for that shit, son! Anyway, I realized that you never really had any idea that this was the case. As some people have mistakenly called this a… wait for it…. wait for it… “BLOG” *puke* and we all know that blogs are only written by whiney ass-faces that are hoping for fame and notoriety (of which I already have) by means of their terribly written BLOGS! I HATE THEM ALL!

So to prove that I am a real, official writer, I am going to take you through a day in the life of SARAH: THE WRITER

I wake up on a stained shag carpet, a nice avocado green. For a second I think to myself, “Imagine if the whole carpet was the stain and the green was really the stain and not the color”. There’s crumpled papers all over the floor and ink all over my fingers and thighs. WTF? I say, “W-T-F?”, then painfully get to my feet (I don’t have Lyme Disease in this little fancy little world, I just pretend that I do). I stumble into the bathroom and splash steaming lava hot water on my face as I grit my teeth. After my skin is deep red, I wink in the mirror and punch the light bulb out. I walk to the kitchen where I am surprised to see broken glass all over the floor, but I don’t give a shit, and I walk right on top of it all. It doesn’t matter, the blood matches my pink toe nail polish almost perfectly! I am happy when I notice this and smile.

There’s only a few things in the fridge: iced tea, an ant farm, some broken old typewriter keys, and cold falafel. Can someone say, “YUM!!!! OMIGOD YUM!!!!!!”. Seriously, can you? You really need to pronounce all the punctuation marks. I mean, no, seriously, really PRONOUNCE THEM! HOW THEY SOUND NOT HOW THEY “SOUND”! PFFF ANYWAY ::dirty look:: AS I WAS SAYING

Nothing I am really in the mood for so OH FUCKING WELL! I turn, go over to my old phonograph and turn on “What I Got” by M.I.A., and start rubbing books all over me. No, not your stupid BULLSHIT ASSHOLE-PUSSY literature, only the good stuff! I would tell you what the good stuff was but you probably don’t read. Not even this.

Suddenly a fist comes through the gaping hole in the wall clutching a intricately carved wooden hash pipe! JEEPERS!!! Now, usually I don’t do any drugs, but whenever a fist comes through my wall that could only be attached to some very unknown shady fucker, I make it my duty to cook and slowly inhale whatever said fist is clutching. And I did just that, my friends, I did just that. Just as the fist disappears the record skips and the song starts over. “OH WOW THAT WAS EXCELLENT TIMING, AFOREMENTIONED PHONOGRAPH”.

I sit on the edge of my sheet-less bed and attach some stockings (the ones with the line down the back) to the garter belt I already awesomely slept in. I already have on one of those black slip things that girls always wear when they know they are going to have black and white photos taken of them in a bedroom. I could get dressed, but why bother? This is way cooler. I grab a trench coat and head out, slamming the fucking door behind me.

(That slam makes the record skip, and it starts over) “OW WOW, THAT WAS EXCELLENT TIMING AFOREMENTIONED PHONOGRAPH WITH EXCELLENT TIMING!”, I say as I get into the old ass elevator. Damn my annoying fuck of a neighbor is already in there. I smile as she rambles on about something, and make a mental note to write a really meaningful poem about how she smells like chicken stock when I get home. Stupid Bitch.

I walk out of the building and get lost in the crowd. I buy an apple from a street apple-vendor. Click clack click clack, all the people’s voices make my head float. It is raining pretty hard now and for a second I wish to myself I had put on mascara so by now I would have looked like a girl in a good horror movie. Then I realize the girls in the really good horror movies actually always had perfect make-up. That kind of ruins them for me, now that I realllllllly think about it. And I AM really thinking about it. Fucking hash, man.

I get to a dirty looking hotel with a buzzing neon light outside. I go up to the second floor and take an old key out of my pocket but just as I put it in the hole the door opens and a hand pulls me in. Holy shit, it’s a random hot russian girl! She must read my stuff! And what another shock, she is completely naked! NICE! We spend the next three hours taking polaroids of each other and not talking much. After she falls asleep I take ten very old looking books off a shelf, write something illegible on a notepad, kiss it, and leave. She was really nice.

I get back home and sit at a typewriter listening to “Famous Blue Raincoat” by Leonard Cohen. ::I wait for you to go put the song on in a new browser window::

The tap, tap, tapping starts to flow out of my fingertips:

“I’ve been wanting to get romantic about an antique typewriter for a while now, but in the mean time I’ve been listening to a lot of Leonard Cohen. I don’t smoke cigarettes or drink much alcohol, so I don’t have that going for me; and I’m afraid that pot doesn’t have the same feel unless I smoke it out of long, skinny joints with freshly plucked eyebrows…”

::Phone Rings::

“Oh, hey Johnny boy, did you finish your damned rap rebuttal yet?!”

The End.

(let the song play out for effect)

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Sarah March 30th, 2008

So I guess the last update made a few people a little unhappy… I don’t really ever post videos that aren’t mine on here, but since this is such a serious matter, I am making an exception. I hope this video clears up anything that may have been discussed in the last update’s comments.

BFF! <3
-sarah

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Sarah March 25th, 2008

dead. i have my reasons.

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